What is it that you remember the most from your childhood?
Is it those who struck you and left a horrible memory? In some cases, we tend to remember the most those memories that left us feeling horrible, the bully that always made us cry or the boy we were crushing on that never paid us any attention...
These people made you feel bad about yourself like something was wrong and made you feel like you weren't good enough, pretty enough, smart or funny enough.
Then, there are those great memories; the friends that made you laugh so hard your sides hurt and whom you could tell anything to because they liked you just as you are. Or the teacher that believed in you when no one else did and made you feel good about yourself even when you were down.
I know now as an adult, that we are better able to understand our own emotions - or at least we can recognize why our emotions surface and then we think differently to change them. But this emotional control we have perfected as adults is not always so easy for children who are so beautiful, as in the way they have not yet been conditioned to hide their feelings and emotions and are so pure in the way they see life.
So this post has nothing to do with emotional control and whether it is good or bad. It's more about a simple rule I have adopted to help decide what works for me as a parent. But I need to start with an example...
Spanking. I am totally against it because - really, who leaves that situation feeling good and upbeat? Neither party is happy after a spanking! Well, I believe verbal "spanking" can hurt just as much, because who feels good after they have screamed at their child? Trust me, look at the face of any kid in the supermarket who has just been yelled at, and you will immediately see the hurt and pain I am talking about.
Of course, not everything is so black and white. Spanking and yelling, those are easy things, but what about all the nuances of life in between? How do we know whose advise to accept about treating a learning disability or helping a super shy child makes friends, or dealing with a school bully?
So here is my personal rule, and it's premise is simple, from a wonderful quote by Maya Angelou (hint, insert your child's name where it says "people") :
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou
So here is it is. Before I make any parenting decision, I ask myself, "How will what I am about to do/say/act make my daughters feel?"
Especially at the end of the day when I am confused or frustrated or just wondering what advise works, which expert to listen to, how to get my daughters to stop bickering for 2 seconds, or any of the 100's of things that come with a parenting territory that is as unpredictable as a twister's path...
Honestly, I often do not have an answer - or even worse, I have conflicting advise from my mom and my mother-in-law (LOL! That's always a sucky position to be in!!)
So again, in these cases I just ask myself: "How will this make my daughters feel?"
There are a 100 different parenting methods and a million people trying to give us the answers, but at the end of the day we know our kids best. We as parents know them more completely and intimately than anyone else on the planet and we can sense the smallest shift in their moods. SO no matter how brilliant I think an idea is, I only adopt it into my parenting regime (sir, yes sir!) if it is something that leaves my child with positive energy or influence.
There are so many negative things in this world and I want my house to be a positive, uplifting place. I want my kids to feel free to be exactly who they are with me while still providing them with a structure that will allow them to function in the outside world. I believe that there are always parenting options that allow for positive solutions.
So as always, this blog is a place for us to share experiences, methods, advise. I love hearing from all of you and I hope that at the end of the day you take away from this blog ideas that make sense for you, for your life and your kids. Trust your instincts - after all, parenting is the oldest profession in the history of the world and you are absolutely the best, most adoring and loving teacher/mentor/coach/parent your child could ever have...
Take care,
Melissa
Thanks Melissa
The best ideas are always beautiful and simple.
Great thoughts Melissa, I aim at delivering my thoughts to my children daily in the same way you do above. Often times I miss that target and remind myself that they are feeling as bad as me because of my delivery. It helps to keep me present with self talk. Very much enjoying your articles. Thank you.
It's great to simplify an important idea so when you need it most you can easily locate it.
When my son was growing up my special phrase that I used to say to him in difficult moments was: no one else can make you stressed. This reminded me that I was responsible for my own feelings and after a while he would say it to me. Whenever I said to him - please stop doing that, you're making me stressed, he would reply, no one else can make you stressed, and that was pretty much the end of the argument. (Sometimes I wonder if, at 16, he isn't a little too stress free!).
Thanks for this reminder, Melissa.
Fabulous article Melissa. Another great question is "what is my child like to conclude out of this interaction". These beliefs as you know can be very damaging so just another way of asking the question.
Thank you for the amazing contribution you are making to parents.
I like your insight very much; it builds a deeper connection with your children each single time. You call for a higher awareness of parents with their bright children and the responsibility to help them bring out their best. Yes, nobody knows your child better than you as a parent - from day 1! So - you ARE the true CEO of your child's unique development. And it is a deeply joyful and very responsible project to customize a development plan for the unfolding of their unique genius as early in life as possible. And - to put a team of professionals together that help you execute it - school might be just a small part in this plan.
Hello:
Loved the pix at the start of this tip! Really captured the myriad emotions possible in a delightful way!
I no longer have young ones around and my grands live in another country, but I have shared your insights with my daughter and a few friends, all of whom have shared positive comments with me.
Thank you for taking the time from what must be a very busy life to give support and guidance. I used to teach Parent Effectiveness and we would say that Parenting is the most important job on the planet at which one is expected to excel but for which there is no training or blueprint.
Thanks again